Hawaii Pidgin English Bible

[Amlux]

Post funny excerpts from the best bible translation ever, the Hawaii Pidgin English Bible:

Den God tell, “I like da land get all diffren kine plants! Da kine plants dat get seed, an da kine trees dat get fruits wit da seed inside, eryting!” An dass wat God do. So da land get all diffren kine plants, da kine plants dat get seed, an da kine trees dat get fruits wit da seed inside, eryting. An God look da plants, an he tell, “Real, real good, all dat!” Had da nite time an da day time, az day numba three.

"Start" (aka Genesis) 1:11-13

Moses tell: “Lissen, you Israel peopo, wat Da One In Charge tell you guys dat you suppose to do, an da rules he give you. Me, Moses, I goin teach you guys fo do all dat. So lissen, fo you guys stay alive an go inside da land. You guys goin take ova da land dat Da One In Charge, da God fo oua ancesta guys, stay give you guys. No put notting mo to wat I tell you guys fo do, an no take away notting from um. But jus make shua you do wat oua God, dass Da One In Charge a us, tell you guys fo do, jalike I stay tell you guys fo do now.

"Rules Secon Time" (aka Deuteronomy) 4:1-2

All da streams go to da ocean.
But da ocean level no go up.
Da watta go back da place
Wea come from befo time.
All dis kine stuff dat happen ova an ova,
An stay boring,
Cuz get way mo stuff fo talk bout,
Way mo fo see an hear.
Wateva happen, goin happen one mo time.
Wateva somebody do, somebody goin do um one mo time.
No mo notting new unda da sun!

"Teacha" (aka Ecclesiastes) 1:8-9

Anodda time da guys Jesus stay teach come by him, an tell, “From all da guys dat get God in da sky fo dea King, who da numba one guy?”
Jesus tell one small kid fo come, an he put um in front dem. He tell, “I tell you guys dis fo shua: If you guys no change an start fo tink jalike one litto kid, no way God in da sky goin be yoa King. Da guy dat no figga he gotta be numba one erytime, jalike dis small kid, dat guy goin come numba one, from dose dat get God in da sky fo dea King. Whoeva take in one small kid jalike dis one, cuz da kid stay tight wit me, same ting, dat guy take me in.”

Matthew 18:1-5

Da leadas see dat Peter an John talk wit powa an dey not sked. An da leadas know dat Peter an John jus regula guys dat neva go school fo learn, an dat blow dea mind. An dey know dat dese guys, dey wen hang out wit Jesus. But da leada guys see da guy dat Peter dem make come good, stay stan dea wit dem. Az why da leada guys no can tell notting. Az why da leada guys tell Peter an John fo go outside, an da leada guys talk togedda. Dey tell, “Wat we goin do wit dem? Erybody dat stay inside Jerusalem know dat dey wen do one awesome ting dat show wat kine guys dem. An us guys no can tell dass not true. We gotta tell dese guys, ‘You guys betta not talk bout dis guy Jesus to nobody no moa! No tell he give you da right fo use his name fo do stuff!’ No good all da odda peopo all ova da place hear bout dis ting!”

"Jesus Guys" (aka Acts) 4:13-17

It's honestly impressive that this exists for literally the entire bible instead of just a few gospels.

[drummyfish]

Hilarious, let's see Deuteronomy 23:1 (normal English):

No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may enter the Lord's assembly.

Here Rules Second Time 23:1:

Wen da peopo come togedda fo Da One In Charge, nobody can come wit dem if dea olos stay hurt cuz somebody wen smash o cut um.

Are there any other funny versions, like Scots maybe?

[malformed_jill]

Are there any other funny versions, like Scots maybe?

there's a translation of the new testament into jamaican patois. it is certainly a way to turn the bible so utterly unserious. it even adds in the filler phrases jamaicans even use like "watch ya now"

18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. 19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.
20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. 21 And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.

18 Dis a ou Jiizas Krais did baan. Im mada Mieri did jos ingiej fi marid Juozif, dem neehn kom liv tugeda yet laik ozban an waif, bot dem fain se shi did av biebi iina beli, an a di Uoli Spirit did put di biebi de. 19 Nou Juozif, di man we shi did ingiej fi marid, im a did wan gud man we aalwiez du wa rait. Im neehn waahn shiem ar infronta evribadi, so im mek op im main fi lef ar anda di kwaiyat.
20 Jos wen Juozif did a tingk fi du dat, wach ya nou — wan a di Laad ienjel dem no jriim im. Di ienjel se, “Juozif, Dievid pikni, no fried fi tek Mieri an marid ar, kaa di pikni we iina ar beli, a di Uoli Spirit put im de. 21 Shi a-go av wan bwai pikni an yu fi kaal im Jiizas, kaa im a-go siev im piipl dem fram dem sin.”

[satoridepon]

the ten commandments

Da Ten Main Rules
1Den God tell all dis:
Rule Numba One
2“Dis me, Da One In Charge, yoa God, dat stay talk. Was me wen get you guys outa da Egypt land, wea you guys was slaves. 3You no go take odda gods fo you, cuz me, I da ony God fo you.
Rule Numba Two
4 “No make idol kine gods fo you dat look jalike someting from up dea inside da sky, o from down hea on top da earth, o from inside da watta dat stay undaneat da groun. 5No go down in front da odda gods fo show um love an respeck, an no work fo dem. Cuz I yoa God, az me, Da One In Charge! An if you go down in front da odda gods, I one jealous God! Az why I goin punish da peopo dat do bad kine tings an da ones dat hate me. An if dea kids do da same ting, I punish dem too, an same ting wit dea grankids, an even dea great-grankids. 6But wen peopo show me love an aloha an do wat I tell um fo do, I stay tight wit dem, an dea kids, an dea grankids fo tousan generation!
Rule Numba Three
7 “No go use my name an ack jalike dat give you da right fo do any kine stuff. Cuz me Da One In Charge, an anybody use my name fo do any kine stuff, no way I goin let dem go an no punish um.
Rule Numba Four
(Matthew 5:21, 27, 43; 15:4; 19:18-19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Jesus Guys 4:24; 14:15; Rome 7:7; 13:9; Efesus 6:2-3; James 2:11; Jesus Show 10:6; 14:7)
8 “No foget da Res Day. Make shua da Res Day stay spesho fo me. 9Work six days an do eryting you gotta do. 10But da Numba Seven Day, dass da Res Day. Stay spesho fo me, yoa God, Da One In Charge. Dat day, no do work notting—you, yoa boy, yoa girl, yoa slave guy, yoa slave wahine, yoa animals, da visita guy from anodda place dat stay yoa town, erybody! 11Me, Da One In Charge, I wen work six days fo make da sky an da earth an da ocean, an all da tings inside dem. But da Numba Seven Day, I res. Dass why I tell da Res Day good, an I make um spesho fo me.
Rule Numba Five
12 “Show respeck fo yoa faddah an yoa muddah. If you do dat, den you goin live long time on top da land dat me, yoa God, Da One In Charge, stay give you.
Rule Numba Six
13 “No go murda nobody.
Rule Numba Seven
14 “No go fool aroun wit anodda guy o wahine behind yoa husban o wife back.
Rule Numba Eight
15 “No go steal notting.
Rule Numba Nine
16 “Wen you gotta tell someting in front one judge fo show proof wat anodda guy wen do, no bulai.
Rule Numba Ten
17 “No go tink, ‘I like take da odda guy stuffs, an I goin take um!’ Dat mean, no go afta his wife, o his slave guy, o his slave wahine, o his cow, o his donkey, o wateva kine ting da odda guy get.”